The next round of Premiership action provides nine fixtures, four of which are televised. Many of them on television sets. Saturday is an early start, with Spurs at home to Blackburn is on Sky Sports 1 HD at 12.30 and Hull City vs Arsenal is on ESPN at 16.45.

The Three O’Clockers are Chelsea vs West Ham, Stoke vs Villa and Birmingham vs Everton.

Sunday sees Manchester United Fulham at 1pm on Sky Sports 1 HD, Sunderland play Manchester City and that show starts at 3.30pm.

Monday night’s game is Liverpool vs Portsmouth starts at 7pm. So where’s our old dancing partner Valerie Alue, then?

Tottenham will beat Blackburn. More damning still, it really is difficult to see where a Rovers goal might come from. 3-0 doesn’t seem out the question at 17/2. Hull face Arsenal. Hull will come out the traps initially then look to counter attack. Shall we have them score once then lose the game at 10/1? Alright then.

Chelsea will be looking to get back on track against West Ham and it really is difficult to see Zola being able to out fox Carlo with his limited resources. An unexciting, but parked bus beating 1-0 is fair enough at 11/2.

Stoke vs Villa will be a war of attrition. Rory de Lap, the only man in the world with a towel wallah. I’m petitioning the FA to have the whole ceremony made a time wasting and cardable offence. First goal to be an OG at 22/1 sums up my mood on this one.

Birmingham vs Everton is another tie unlikely to go down in history for any good reasons. I don’t have a price on a powercut. Birmingham, the supposed 1-0 specialists were dreadful against Portsmouth last weekend. If you have a lunatic gunman forcing you to get involved in this game at all take the 13/2 on the 0-0, but really, try to wrestle them to the floor, disarm him and wait for the bobbies to arrive.

Sunday’s’ biggie’ will be billed as a David and Goliath fixture. Wayne Rooney is a one man team, but Fulham are a twelve man machine. Even if that machine is one of those George Foreman grills for one. But  a cheeky Cottager related punt ought to be the one here. Fulham to win by two goals is 90/1. But more likely and more fun is a goal between the 41st minute and half time at 11/1.

Sunderland play Manchester City later on and this has away win through it like a stick of rock. I particularly like Sunderland to lead at half time and blow it come full time. 25/1, is the benefit of that plan.

Monday will come around all too soon for Liverpool. The Scousers are on a tour of shame at the moment and the idea of hosting a kitchen sink brandishing Portsmouth must be inducing an audible sigh from a certain Spanish gentleman. Liverpool should storm it on paper and indeed on the park, Portsmouth aren’t very good at football. But it will go much closer on the night, take the 1-0 at 11/2 and run.

This weekend sees Hull City host the mighty Arsenal. But beyond the array of part time hod carriers and French exchange students, what are the integral differences, those things that set apart these two great clubs? Oh sod it, who cares? Let’s have a look at their shared strong points -funny looking blokes managing them.

Seconds away round one.

HAIR.

This was always going to be a close round. Arsene sports a look that was last seen atop menswear dummies in the very late seventies. A nylon mesh weave side parting jobby in a shade of grey known in the trade as photofit grey.

Young Phillipe also opts for style also straight out the shop window, but this time from a decade later with the 1980’s city center barber studio portrait. Masculine and yet effortlessly garnished with vitamin enriched gels and err.. product. 1-1.

Attire.

Wenger is clearly a fan of the 3 button demob suit. When his tailor told him that a Poly-mix fabric would last him a lifetime, the Arsenal manager took that as a personal mission of discovery. You can see in Brown’s eyes he was a big Nickleby’s customer back in the day. He lets his clothes do the talking. Unfortunately they are saying, ‘Hello beautiful lay-dee’. 2-2.

Communication.

Arsene frequently sounds like a radio that is just ever so slightly out of tune. This combined with his beady eye movement makes for low grade skills in this area. But then he suddenly does this ‘Angel Of The North’ thing with his hands and he has you again. Disconcerting, but effective.

Next time you see Phil in full flow on the telly, mute the sound. What you’ll then have is a man explaining to his wife that he’s been arrested, fired and about to lose their house but everything is going to be just fine because he’s accepted for a Topman Storecard and do you fancy going out to celebrate? 1-2.

The Ladies.

Mr Wenger keeps his personal life to himself. There’s only one snap on the Internet of his long term love, Annie with her face to camera and if you like ‘em in rayon blouses with a hint of Austrian Hausfrau, this belle’s for you, sir.

Phil has is married to Karen and there is only one snap of her, back to camera. 1-3 to the Brownster.

Football.

Aresne is a hugely respected manager with CV littered with silverware. Phil is an orange twit who will always be remembered for that ridiculous half time team talk he held on the pitch. 2-1.

Final Score:  Wenger 7  Brown 9.

Manchester City are preparing an audacious swoop for Stamford Bridge’s more off than on the boil golden boy, Joe Cole. Whilst the Daily Star announced that a move to the red side of Manchester was more or less ‘nailled on’, word reaches the Tavern that this isn’t as done a deal as it might be suggested.

Now seasoned Transfer campaigners amongst you will be familiar with the way a certain Premiership manager works. He spies his prey, scents his territory anonymously through the media and then strikes. And this smacks of that tried and tested MO.

It could be plausibly argued that City are in the driving seat here. They genuinely have the money to wade in and would have no problem in accommodating his wage demands.

For Cole, Manchester City are by far the more likely to offer him not only the lolly but actual first team pitch time. So then it will ultimately boil down to the player. Chelsea will shock everyone if they allow him to walk for free to anyone. He would be loathed to leave but he wants to kick start his career again and he wants paying for it.

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini will be looking to add not only to his squad but to his reputation at City and the addition of Cole would aid that cause no end.

Tottenham are, if you’re able to cast your mind’s eye more at the 9-1 and 0-3 victories against Wigan rather than the foul ups against Wolves, having one hell of a season. Gomes appears to be by and large a happier bunny. Bassong is settling in nicely, Dawson might yet make for Captain material and Ledley King is finall getting the bubbles just the size he likes them best in the jacuzzi.

The only blot on the landscape is the injury table and at the moment Tottenham players are piled up like some Lilywhite human Jenga on it. Huddlestone has had some tremendous games for Spurs this season and whilst certainly far from a continuously ’star’ player, like say his Croation counterpart, Luka Modric, his is still missed when not available.

This little lot just in then from  Spurs Odyssey’s Scutchio.

Hudd progressing really well, even a possibility he could make the weekend’s squad, will let you all know tomorrow.

Lennon is feeling positive, and is now healing well.

Woodgate still in America, has been away for nearly 2 months now.

Bentley back running, also could be in contention for the weekend.

This just in and it’s gold.

Tottenham Hotspur and England footballer Peter Crouch has been named the funniest man in British sport, topping the poll of the best one liners and comedy football moments of all time.

The 6ft 7in Tottenham striker won top billing for a cheeky response to the question: “What would you be if you weren’t a footballer?”

The Spurs targetman replied: “A virgin.”

Tottenham striker Peter Crouch is unquestionably having the form of his life. His goals to game ratio is solid enough, but even more impressive when you take into consideration the quantity that have been scored when he’s emerged from the substitute’s bencd to do so.

Behind every great man is a great woman. And with the possible exception of Ronaldo who appears to have a veritable conveyor belt of hot chicks behind, above, to each side and beneath him, it seems that most great players are in settled relationships.

Abbey and Pete have been an on and off item for some four years or so and aside from that one time he issued a statement via his solicitors declaring the relationship over, when some snaps of her sniffing charlie broke and then she went off and shagged Jason Statham, it’s been a fairy tale.

The pair were engaged in 2009.

What a difference a tackle can make. In December 2007 when Fabrice Muamba injured Gareth Bale, which would rule him out for the rest of the season, Bale was considered one of Tottenham’s brightest young stars.

He had scored 3 goals from left-back including a superb free kick against the scum. It could be said he was one of the only successes to the start of the end of Jol. Therefore when Bale returned for the 08/09 campaign under exciting manager Ramos there was real optimism Bale was going to immediately return to his previously dazzling form for both club and country, however it didn’t quite work out that way.

When Bale played he looked unassured, and appeared to have lost the pace he once had, he also was very reluctant to get stuck into 50-50’s. Spurs’ dreadful start to this campaign again didn’t help his cause, but it was evident Bale did not look the player he once was. It then became a well known fact Bale had not won a premiership game in a absurd amount of experiences which obviously went to his head.

Redknapp became manager and Bale hardly featured for the rest of the season – Bale’s future looked bleak at Tottenham to say the least. Then the 09/10 season began and with his close friend and teammate for Wales, Gunter left to Forest, and there were rumours Bale was heading in the same direction – albeit on loan. BAE had finished the last season well and continued to play at left back and scored a screamer against Liverpool on the first day of the season.

Bale finally broke his premiership duck in September 09 however only because he came on as a 85 min sub v Burnley. He played in the cup games, and suddenly the Bale spurs had once knew showed signs of returning – a fantastic cross against united in the Carling cup springs to mind. Then January came and BAE got injured – finally Bale’s chance to prove his worth , and boy did he. In 2010 it could be said Bale has been Spurs’ best player with his fantastic runs down the flank, and considerable improvements to his defensive qualities, he can tackle now.

I accept Bale is still a work in progress and isn’t always up the scratch defensively, however I believe Bale has the potential to become a Tottenham starter for the many years to come as he is very young and already looks better than the average at best BAE. I also think Bale could quite easily become a left mid for spurs after his performance against Fulham because this would require less of him defensively, and he has the ability to beat anybody with his skill and pace – imagine a midfield with Aaron Lennon and an on form bale on the wings? I just hope this dream will become a reality.
by Joe Alexander

24 February 1973
FA Cup Round 5                   
Manchester City 2 – 2 Sunderland
Attendance:    54,478.                                                                       
 
I got everything I needed as an eight year old going to my first ever City match; hat, scarf, gloves, dad (Brian) and grandad (Eric) as we drove along Princess Parkway towards Moss Side the home of Manchester City.
 
We parked what seemed miles away near Alexander Park and we weaved our way down the side streets amongst the huge numbers of people. My hands were held in an iron grip with dad and one side and grandad on the other. We crossed over to Parkside Rd and I could see the floodlights of the stadium that I had not yet been too.
 
I chirped up that I needed to wee; “Cant you wait”, says dad. I wasn’t the only one and the grandad said, “I need to go too”. Dad said “oh well in for a penny then..”. Three of us let natures call down the aptly named Number 1 passage. Then the fence moved to one side and to our horror all three of us were staring at this poor bloke opening up his back yard to look after peoples bikes. “Oi begger off all of you” – [I think he said begger]. We laughed out loud in various stages of undress as we ran towards the ground. Dad said “don’t tell your mum” grandad said “don’t tell your gran either”. I felt so grown up.
 
We emerged from Parkside Rd then Lloyd St towards the bedlam of noise and people in front of Maine Road. Ticket touts shouted their prices like stoke brokers. Men with sandwich boards and loud voices warned us all of the evils of drink and the devil. I was frog marched to the ground and this bony hand emerged from behind the turnstile and snatched the ticket stub from my hand. I jumped up to see who this corpse like hand belonged to and was greeted by this poor frail cadaverous man in his 90’s with a bronchitic laugh that exposed his three crooked teeth stained a sickly shade of yellow by a 40 Woodbine a day habit.
 
“Grandad, will that man get to see the game?” – “I doubt it son, he’ll be lucky to make it through to half time, did you hear him cough”.

 
Inside, the air was full of foul language, the stench of cheap pipe tobacco and cigarette smoke. I felt even more grown up now. A programme for 5p, a dodgy pie (with mystery meat) and a V that was “centre of the sun” hot. We made our way to the seats. The oasis of green looked magnificent; the roar of the 54,478 crowd as the two teams took the field of play was deafening. The sky blue versus the red & white stripes looked fantastic against the huge billiard table playing surface.
 
City took the lead; Sunderland equalized then went ahead, a late equalizer by City and a late sending off. A four goal thriller, noisy crowd with quick remarks, indigestion and a burnt mouth; brilliant stuff and three more swear words to share with my mates at school next Monday. Even the likes of Doyle, Book, Corrigan, Bell, Lee, Marsh and Summerbee couldn’t beat second division Sunderland. Why? Because we were thwarted by two brilliant players; a winger who made our defence miserable all afternoon and a defender we couldn’t get past. Why couldn’t these two play for City; Dave Watson and Dennis Tueart.
 
I couldn’t wait for the next game. I still can’t.

Author: Phil Lines

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