We’ve all been subject to some god awful street theatre in our time haven’t we? Two grubby students with nothing better to do than try to reinact Waiting for Godot via the medium of mime and milk bottle crates. Worse still are those idiots who mime they are stuck in an invisible box and think that their quirky gestures amount to something resembling art. Then there’s the ones who just stand their like statues, dressed as statues (novel or what?), a bit like Ness in that episode of Gavin and Stacey.

Have you also noticed how this form of expressionism has translated into football celebrations? Ah! You see? You thought all this running to the crowd, punching corner flags, sliding on your knees and kissing the badge were all empty gestures? No more. Did you know Peter Crouch’s famous “robot” dance was actually a celebration of the work of H.R.Giger? You didn’t? Well you do now. 

Here’s exhibit one, former Liverpool, Chelsea and current Sunderland star Bolo Zenden at his former club Marseille. Remarkably he scores a goal, a pretty neat one too, before he decides to give us his street theatre artistic version of the 2009-2010 season Portsmouth are going to endure in the Premiership;

I almost missed it the first time because I was still momentarily stunned by Zenden scoring a goal.

Do you remember Frank Skinner and David Baddiel’s little segment on their fantasy football show called “Old Football was sh*te?” Well thankfully, we have our latter day contenders to that crown as anyone who witnessed the spectacularly inept Egypt v Cameroon quarter final at the African Cup of Nations can testify. Fans of quality football will probably need a stiff drink before they watch this little package of highlights which include.

1. Cameroon’s fantastic opener, scored direct from the corner via the head of a defender who doesn’t seem to want to clear it. Not to mention the positioning of the keeper which was so bad he may as well have been sat in the stands.

2. Egypt’s equaliser : A fantastic 30 yard effort which Cameroon Keeper Kameni stumbles towards before limply palming the ball into the back of the net. Tottenham fans, you have had one lucky escape.

3. Egypt’s second goal : After the game finishes 1-1 after 90 minutes, we go into extra time. Two minutes in former Real Madrid and Newcastle ace Geremi decides he’s had enough and slots a lovely ball through to the Egyptian centre forward to put them in front. For some reason this has been omitted from the video. I can only assume on the grounds of mental cruelty.

4. Egypt’s third ‘goal’ : Obviously upset at not being in on the cretinous performances thus far, the referee and his assistants get involved by awarding Egypt a third when from a free kick Carlos ‘flailing hands’ Kameni once again flaps haplessly at the ball, this time diverting it onto the joint of bar and post and out to safety. Only the linesman thinks it’s a goal. So gives it and the referee takes his word.

Who needs TV replays Sepp?

Can you imagine what might have happened if Egypt had selected Mido and Zaki too? This would have been a game that had everything.

Bar skill, obviously.

If you thought football was a serious business let this snippet of Lassana Diarra and his Chelsea team mates warm your heart. I still want to know who his father is?

Before Alex Song was a starter in the Arsenal side, he was used a a figure of fun for the Arsenal team and Dennis Bergkamp.

So Andriy Voronin has left Liverpool and moved to Dynamo Moscow, the fans are devastated because of what he brought to the team. Here is a tribute to the recently departed Ukrainian.

Barcelona striker Thierry Henry is once again in the headlines, this time for a brutal attack on Sevilla’s Andres Palop in the Copa del Rey.

It’s always good to see Lionel Messi acting like he is David N’gog or Camerone Jerome being, erm, Cameron Jerome. My favourites though have to be David Di Michele’s miss against Liverpool where he takes advantage of a Jamie Carragher mistake to race clear before tripping over his feet, putting the ball out for a goal kick and earning himself a booking for simulation and German striker Nuno Gomez, a man so staggeringly inept that he makes Chris Iwelumo look like Gerd Muller.

An Indonesian pitch invasion took place recently, Hendri Mulyadi was so annoyed by his countries lacklustre performance against Oman he decided to take matters into his own hands.

“I was very disappointed with the Indonesian national team. They never win. It’s either lose or draw,” Mulyadi said.

Oman won 2-1.

It only seems fitting that with the current cold snap hanging over the Europe and the United Kingdom, football matches are dropping off the weekend card like lemmings off a cliff. There was a time when football was played in the snow, Glentoran and Linfield played with and orange ball to start with, but watch out for the change in the second half.

He is a top pundit, he can take a mean penalty and he can score from his own half… in 5-a-side.