Gunner be an easy ride in the "Group of Life"

Group Stage Prospects

Although the other names in Group H may jog a few memories, one comparison with the other Champions League groups will tell neutrals and Gooners alike what to expect.

They could easily have been sharing a group with the likes of Real Madrid and Ajax, but instead will be facing off against opposition who have proven themselves dangerous only in the Europa League.

Arsenal have never won the Champions League in their history, but judging by the group draw, they’ll seldom have a better opportunity…

Their Opponents (H & A dates ):

SPORTING BRAGA (15^th September / 23^rd November)

The club who stole Arsenal’s design and (to an extent) identity are the favourites of many neutrals to be the team who will pip Arsenal to top spot should things go badly wrong for the Gunners.

Since 2005, Braga have qualified for European competition every season without fail and showed improvements each time. They won the last ever Intertoto Cup competition, and reached the European Quarter Finals for the first time last season.

Although they are still a long way off challenging Portugal’s “Big Three”, Braga managed a best ever second place finish in the 2009-10 season. They also battered a strong Portsmouth side 3-0 the previous year. Although Braga lack any real standout names, they will be a major European player in the years to come. Watch this space…

European Best: Quarter Final (Europa League 2009-10)

Danger Man: Alberto Rodriguez

Arsenal will no doubt hope to rack up some ridiculous scores at The Emirates, but this stocky Peruvian powerhouse may yet have his say in the matter. Rodriguez began his career as a youth with Deportivo Wanka (stop laughing at the back!) before Premier League giants Sporting Cristal eventually came for him.

With his new team, Rodriguez went from strength to strength, making 155 solid appearances and 10 goals to boot. After his transfer to Braga in December 2006, Rodriguez eased his way into the first team, contributing to their much improved recent league finishes.

PARTIZAN BELGRADE (28^th September / 8^th December)

The rank outsiders of Group H are supposedly matched in their credentials for youth development only by Ajax’s school of “Total Football”, yet the Serbian heavyweights have yet to make a true impression on Europe’s top tier in the 21st century.

Their last Champions League appearance was in the 2003-04 season, remaining impressively unbeaten at home with three draws against Real Madrid, FC Porto and Marseille.

While their three away defeats put paid to any hopes of progress, they did well in the UEFA Cup the following season, reaching the Round of 16 before their elimination at the hands of winners CSKA Moscow.

The open air Stadion FK Partizan will no doubt be an intimidating spectacle with passionate fans and a gladiatorial setting – it could at a push be their saving grace, even if they do settle for 3rd place and the Europa League.

European Best: Runners Up (European Cup 1965-66)

Danger Man: Mladen Krstajic

An aging athlete, but as far as defence is concerned, this man is as tough as they come. Nearly snatched by the enemy Red Star Belgrade, he opted to join Partizan in 1996, winning three league titles and one domestic cup within the following years.

The new millenium heralded a move to the Bundesliga with Werder Bremen, whereupon his performances helped Bremen achieve a cup double in 2004. His European pedigree was furthered by a move to fellow contenders FC Schalke, for whom he featured regularly, becoming the team captain in 2009.

Even more remarkably, he led a defensive lineup for Serbia which conceded only a single goal in ten qualifying games for the 2006 World Cup.

SHAKHTAR DONETSK (19^th October / 3^rd November)

Civil opinion and discussion are much appreciated in any walk of life, and would be particularly welcome in the instance that the 2008-09 UEFA Cup Winners are your humble author’s pick to qualify in second spot.

The Donbass Arena is one of the most impressive spectacles to be seen, and in terms of atmosphere, will no doubt rival the likes of the similarly designed Fenerbahce’s Şükrü Saracoğlu Stadium and Barcelona’s Nou Camp. With their home campaign in the group stage assured to be strong, the scene is set for some very attractive away ties which will be infinitely more difficult to negotiate.

However, the Ukrainian heavyweights have shown the ability to grind out results, and in the battle for a runners-up spot, the stoicism to stand and fight when all adversity is against a team makes all the difference. Judging by their recent performances in European competition, Shakhtar have such battling qualities in abundance.

European Best: Winners (UEFA Cup 2008-09)

Danger Man: Eduardo

The ex-Gunner will return to North London with a reasonable reception, and although he has previously stated how daunting the prospect of a trip to Arsenal is, no one can resist that Champions League theme tune belted out while safe in the knowledge of Arsenal’s skilful, yet occasionally predictable tactics.

Although it is doubtful that such tactical knowledge will make the difference, Eduardo’s experience at the top level will no doubt pay dividends when it comes to making genuine progress in the competition. His partnership up front with Luiz Adriano is also a prospect which will no doubt have many neutrals slavering at the bit.

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There once was a time when a “Dutch Rap” (N.B. This is not to be confused with a Dutch Cap, which is something entirely different) would have just involved smoking some iffy cigarettes, getting a bad case of the munchies and then scoffing down a sweetly filled pancake or six. Not anymore, not when you have the talents of Liverpool and Holland star Ryan Babel to contend with:

You see, Ryan has an alter ego called Rio. I’ve no idea why he is called Rio, it could be a tribute to Rio Ferdinand I suppose, or maybe he has some insatiable passion for early Duran Duran hits. However when Ryan Babel becomes Rio, he ceases to be a hugely talented but largely ineffective left winger, who tends to sit on the bench pouting. Instead he becomes Rio the Rapper and he’s rather good at it apprently. So much so that rap artist Sway invited the Anfield star to contribute to his soon to be released album The Signature 2.

Sway said: ‘Ryan Babel’s a good mate of mine. He’s a nice guy, he’s a sick rapper.

“The way he flips his flow is marvellous man, so I wanted him to do a bit – half Dutch, half British, and he really pulled it off man.”

There’s no doubt Rafa Benitez would quite like Babel to flip his flow marvellously a little more consistently at Anfield, but for the time being he’ll have to settle for video’s like this. Performed by Darryl and featuring the talents of Ali B, Soumia and Rio (Ryan Babel himself) the song is called “Eeyeeyo” and it is all in Dutch, the funny thing is though, it still sounds much much better than any of the American rap songs which routinely murder the English language.

If you are wondering what the lyrics are about, I believe, based upon the 2-3 seconds of research that I put into listening to the tune, that it is a comment upon the existential and post-modern principles of Friedrich Nietzsche’s philosophical writings and particularly the song focuses on his rebuttal of egalitarianism and Christianity and the objectivity of truth. Either that or it’s about a dyslexic child and his love for Eeyore from the Winnie the Pooh books.

However let us not forget that Ryan does have a couple of contemporaries at Anfield who can lay claim to being the “King of the Rappers”. A long time before Ryan Babel was even considered by Rafa Benitez, there was a giant of a man, coincidentally also a winger with sublime footballing talent. His name was John Barnes and it was he who provided the rap on the 1990 New Order hit, World in Motion:

And let’s not also forget the wonderfully awful, nay scrotum tighteningly bad effort that was the Anfield Rap. A song so bad, so utterly, buttock clenchingly dreadful, that a 20 year drought without a league title hardly seems penance enough:

Despite this legacy of Rap music (with a silent ‘C’) Ryan Babel isn’t content to stop there. He’s also become a Pop Star Mentor to 17 year old Chelcee Grimes, winner of a local radio station’s competition to find the “Next Big Urban Star” and Ryan will, for the next sixth months, mentor her in becoming a famous rap star. This includes studio time, coaching and negotiating his move away from Anfield in the January transfer window, presumably.

Honestly, it is enough to make anyone hanker after the glory days of Chas N’ Dave.  Although I dread to think what the modern music stars may make of the cheery cockney funsters… something like this perhaps?

Goodnight folks and remember, don’t have nightmares.