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Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Arsene Wenger

9th January 2010

Today we play Everton who are a good team. I ask our chief scout for a scout report on them and I get it about an hour before the game. It’s hard to read it sometimes in braille so I ask Pat to read it out loud to me to save time. He says the scout suggests we “play our normal free flowing passing game”. Honestly, I wonder why we employ scouts, it doesn’t matter if we play Barcelona or Bedlington Terriers, he always says to play that way. I think he sits on his bum eating family sized bags of Revels all week long.

The game ended 2-2. I’m not happy. My guide dog says Everton scored on a quick counter attack. This shouldn’t be allowed. It is not natural for teams to score on quick counter attacks against Arsenal. I decide to speak to the press and ask for quick counter attacks against Arsenal to be banned and instead the other team has to give us the ball back after we lose possession of it. I think it will improve the game immensely. I quite like the look of their player Saha though. I may make a move in the summer.

10th January 2010

Before heading to the office, I call in on the physio to see how Cesc is doing. He is lay on the couch face up getting treatment on his thigh problem and while the machine whirrs away he is reading his “100 things to do in Madrid” book. The Physio tells me it is very swollen so I feel it myself, he is right. The Physio shouts at me “That’s not his thigh Boss!” and I get a little embarrassed and say “I’m sorry, I did not see it.” and run out of the door. Still, I’ve always been an admirer of the quality of Cesc’s fantastic balls, just not those ones.

I get to the office late and Pat is in there with me. He passes me the white stick and guides me to the seat. I’ve given my dog the day off today as he’s trying to chat up David Blunkett’s bitch. We watch a video of Stoke, well Pat does, I didn’t see it. I fell asleep after ten minutes and had nightmares about Tony Pulis and Rory Delap attacking me and they were clad only in a small towel. Cesc was looking on laughing wearing a Real Madrid shirt… I woke up in a cold sweat and in need of a Gitanes.

Stoke’s main ‘footballing’ threat seems to come from throw ins. So I call the press and say that I don’t think its fair teams can score from throw in’s and despite what I said earlier about kick-ins, I say that in order to make football fairer for everybody, we should force every footballer to have their arms surgically removed before each game and erect 300 foot high perspex screens around the pitch so the ball never goes out of play.

11th January 2010

I’ve started writing my autobiography today. I started with the chapter on other managers. I write about how they all smell different when we shake hands after the game. Carlo Ancelotti for example smells of fine Italian aftershave, either that or Berio Olive Oil. Sir Alex Ferguson always smells of minty chewing gum, Rafa Benitez recently has been very sweaty and his hand shakes a lot and I’ve no idea what Sparky Hughes smells like. My favourite person to shake hands with is Harry Redknapp because after every game he always slips a £50 note into my hand and says “Arsene mate, keep schtum! Remember… you saw nothing!” He understands me at least!

Receive a phone call from Thierry Henry later that evening. He thinks my comments about footballers being stripped of their arms before games is a bit harsh. He says if that rule came into play a while back, then France would not have made it to the World Cup finals! Zut Alors! What was I thinking?!

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Article title: Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Arsene Wenger

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