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Boring Barstewards Ban Vuvuzela!

You mardy, mardy, boring bastards! Tottenham started it, Arsenal shortly followed, and now Birmingham, Everton, Liverpool, Sunderland, Fulham and West Ham have all banned that heavenly, angelic instrument of the Gods; the Vuvuzela.

What is wrong with them all? Miserable, meagre misanthropists, all of ‘em; have they forgotten what British football is all about?

Our game isn’t about singing and shouting.

Our game isn’t about letting your raw emotions come flooding out, converging in a collective bound or erupting into organic collective song.

Our game isn’t about thinking up funny, irreverent and wayward chants.

It isn’t about banter, humour, raw passion, sniping remarks, and thousands of comrades bellowing from the same song-sheet.

Our game is about horns, an incessant noise bludgeoning your ears, and incorporating fads from the summer.

It’s about chants being drowned out by irritating instruments; fans being driven mad, digging fingernails into our thighs to ease the audible pain until, eventually, any attempt to start a song is swiftly quelled by a quick hoot, any slight utterance is ruthlessly met by an overpowering noise, and we sit in near silence except for a few sparse Vuvuzela’s continually blaring out in the gloomy air, with us beaten, downtrodden little peasants left staring desolately at our shoes, a lone tear slowly dripping to the dirty floor…

Anyway, the vuvuzela is quickly notching up a nationwide football ground ban and, as you might be able to decipher, I’m pretty pleased.

I’m not saying it shouldn’t have been at the World Cup. It is part of the South African football experience and to have banned it during the tournament would have been highly unreasonable, condescending and negated form the authentic experience. Yes, it was annoying, droning on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on…and on, but attempting to silence it would have been attempting to Europeanise an African World Cup and, thus, would have been unjust.

Yup, it was part of the atmosphere, the distinctiveness of the tournament, etcetera, etcetera. However, that was the World Cup, we’re back to the domestic game and it just doesn’t fit, feature or hold relevance.

Which suggests there shouldn’t really be a need to ban it at all; you can’t imagine it taking hold. There are always a few ‘crazy, crazy cats’ who like to blown their horn, and so it would (will) have inevitably reared its head early in the season, but it would (will) likely die a death very quickly.

Health and safety regulations have been highlighted to justify the ban. This does carry weight; notably the use as a weapon, public safety in hearing emergency announcements, not to mention the acute damage to our poor little ears. Nonetheless, you get the feeling that ‘health and safety’ simply offers a convenient cloak for ‘we don’t want that awful, irritating din in our house’. Tottenham, Arsenal, Birmingham, Everton, Liverpool, Sunderland, Fulham and West Ham, we thank you dearly.

So, agree with the ban? Or are the clubs boring, boring bastards??

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Article title: Boring Barstewards Ban Vuvuzela!

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