Chelsea

‘My Monkey Has Had It’s Anus Mashed Up’

Nowadays football has gone all professional and that is hardly a surprise given the ridiculous amount of money that is now involved in the sport. The Premier League is about as professional as it gets, with most of the clubs employing food nutritionists and the like. Frenchman Arsene Wenger first brought this idea of complete physical fitness to Arsenal, which probably didn’t go down too well with Paul Merson and the Gunners gang of the time, and now every club monitors what their players consume and Blackburn’s Big Sam is well known for his sports science obsession.

Football has come on quite a long way since the days when half-time refreshments consisted of a cup of tea and maybe even a pint for some players. In the good old days steak and chips washed down with a pint of the strong stuff was an ideal pre-game meal and led to many players running around as though they were carrying half a cow inside them. At a time when mullets were all the rage, George Best, Rodney Marsh and friends often turned up to matches half drunk and still play like world class legends.

All most of us can look forward to at half time is an orange and a bottle of water, hardly great preparation for getting kicked for another forty five minutes. Premier League champions Manchester United get a slightly better deal as the changing rooms at Old Trafford at half time are full of a well-known chocolate and orange snack, but maybe they should look at investing in this interesting concoction:

One rockin’ dude is creating his own special drink that has been made by jungle chiefs in the Amazonian rainforest for decades. Including ingredients that wouldn’t look out of place in a bush tucker trial hosted by a couple of Geordie lads, the special drink is made with monkey anus and lizard balls, a match made in heaven indeed. The tribesmen and women swear by it to keep them alert against the dangers of the jungle, but isn’t a drink for the feint-hearted.

The monkey anus mash-up is enough to put anyone off their half time orange. I’m not sure how well it would go down in changing rooms up and down the country and I can’t see Ferguson, Wenger or Ancelotti giving it to their players any time soon. Maybe they’d be better sticking to Lucozade Alert Plus, it might not be as full of flavour as the monkey anus mash-up but it will sharpen up players in a shot.

Like what the TT have on offer? Sign up for more notifications!
To Top