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Clueless, Despicable, Disgrace, Buffoon, Joke, Muppet

George Caveney on the woes t’up North.

Berating Mike Ashley is natural, fair and completely pointless. Characters like Ashley don’t amass huge fortunes by being nice or being aware of anything other than money and ways to make more of it, and sadly there are many like him in football.

But it’s quite enjoyable to take the cream off the top of just one ‘have your say’ board and create a bilious montage of insults – for I agree wholeheartedly with them all. Yet it will change nothing, and whether we like it or not, we are fickle, especially if things improve (which they probably won’t until Ashley sells his albatross).

Anyway, here are a few choice words plucked from the comments on a respected broadcasting corporation’s article:

‘What a d*ck.’

‘One big fat b*st*rd.’

‘A fat w*nker.’

‘A f**king disgrace.’

‘A big fat joke.’

‘… doesn’t have a f**king clue.’

‘A fat buffoon.’


‘A stupid git.’

‘An absolute muppet.’

‘A bloody disgrace of a human being.’


… and my personal favourite: ‘A completely clueless and vindictive twat.’

The telling thing here is that most of these references to Fat Face didn’t come from Newcastle United fans. Nor are they are excerpts from Alan Pardew’s press conference once he’d signed his five-and-a-half-year deal. Just baffled punters from across the supporters’ world. Again, there are many such people in football.

But hey – it makes no difference whatsoever. While it’s good to let off steam, we all know people like Mike couldn’t care less. He’s an unpleasant example of a modern businessman, and he sleeps like a baby. Chris Hughton’s achievements clearly haven’t gone unnoticed, and he has a superb career ahead of him. It is a shame he wasn’t granted an opportunity to stabilise Newcastle and build on his hugely positive contribution to the club.

Right or wrong, what’s done is done. I was appalled by the manner of Hughes’ sacking at City, but I felt deep down it might be the best thing in the long run. That too remains to be seen, but the point is we’ll never really know.

Yes, Mike Ashley is a despicable tosser. That’s not news or worth dwelling on. Taking that equally unctuous little shit Dennis on holiday with him to the Middle East to try and offload the club in a hurry was quite indicative of the man’s way of thinking, and I doubt he’s had any epiphanies since then.

As for Pardew – the poor sod next in line for some baffling bullshit – I hope the fans don’t damn him before he’s had a go. His credentials aren’t exactly gleaming, but he’s your new manager. While Ashley may not have the best interests of anything but his bank balance in mind, I think it’s fair to say most managers are driven by a desire to succeed, and whether he does or not remains to be seen. Get behind Pardew, or things might just get a lot worse. It’s all you can do.

Boycott Ashley’s other business interests – hawking second-rate sweatshop sporting goods under once-great brand names – by all means, but a half-empty St James’ Park won’t help anyone. Fill it up, show Ashley whose club it is, and rouse Pardew and the players. Ultimately, it’s your club, not Ashley’s. You’ve been around longer than he has, and will outlive his meddling and stupidity.

As amusing as it is to wade through the insults and incredulity across the web, you need to get bigger banners and shout louder in the stands – make your feelings clear where it really matters.

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Article title: Clueless, Despicable, Disgrace, Buffoon, Joke, Muppet

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