Now, if I know Capello – which I don’t – I should be able to predict who will be left out, and if I know what’s best for England – which I almost certainly don’t – I know my choice would be the best possible option. So, here are both:
Michael Carrick; mediocre this season and slack when given a chance last week.
Stephen Warnock; Leighton Baines gets the stand-in role at left-back.
Tom Huddlestone; tricky one as I do quite like him, but I just like Scott Parker more, I like his World War Two haircut, I like his the cut of his jib, I like him as an all-round reliable and solid option, I just like him maaaaaan. (See Saving Private Parker)
Matthew Upson; or Dawson, flip a coin… coin renders Upson home-bound.
Adam Johnson; very good player, a bright future awaits, but unfortunately not ready for the World Cup squad just yet. So, even though he has played a limited amount of football this year, Joe Cole makes the squad, potentially giving England a different, dynamic and dangerous outlet
Theo Walcott; yes, yes, he has pace blah, blah, but unfortunately I feel he has little else to offer and often fails to exploit opportunities (see Walcott, Lennon or Wright-Philips).
Emile Heskey; He can, on occasion, evidently make the team tick and so I was agonising slightly as to whether to include him. However, you get the feeling he couldn’t score in a sex-starved nymphomaniac’s brothel with a fervent fetish for footballers named Emile. He simply isn’t good enough, could be a liability, and so Bent scrapes through.
Michael Dawson (following the laws of probability, the coin landed the other way)
Scott Parker (uncapped under Capello and only three times in total)
Tom Huddlestone (despite poor form, Carrick’s experience will likely prove preferential)
Shaun Wright-Philips (unluckily overlooked in place of Walcott)
Darren Bent (didn’t grasp his opportunity yesterday, Heskey is back from the brothel and ready to board the plane)
So, who would you like to see left out? Who do you think will be? And who do you think will be left staring abjectly at a blank TV screen this summer, unable to muster the energy to switch it on, feeling that the blank dark nothingness of the empty screen adequately suits the hollowness internally, so just leave it off thank you very much, and shut the door on your way out…
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