Premier League

England Will Definately Win the World Cup. Yeah, Definitely.

What do you mean you don't believe them?

It has now been mathematically proven that England are going to win the World Cup…. as if we ever doubted it in the first place.

American Banking institution JP Morgan have done some number crunching and used some very complicated formulas to confirm that we are in fact the best team in the World.

JP Morgan are of course a renowned bastion of footballing knowledge and have used something called a Quant Model which our celebrated bankers usually apply to investments and valuing balance-sheets (or not as the case may be). By inputting data such as market prices, FIFA Rankings and historical results, their model predicts match results and reveals that we will shortly get our hands on the Jules Rimet Trophy once again.

In a long and very boring document, they said: “Ultimately our model indicates Brazil as being the strongest team taking part in the tournament. However, due to the fixture schedule our model predicts the following final outcome – 3rd: Netherlands, 2nd Spain, 1st England.”

It is, of course, inconceivable that anyone could question their judgement given the world’s largest financial institutions excellent record in accurately predicting the future when large sums of money are at stake.

Perhaps they should stick to the day job. For those people still foolish enough to believe the word of our failed banking system, you should be mindful of the fact that JP Morgan has just been fined £33.3m by the Financial Services Authority for recklessly risking their client’s money. They didn’t see that one coming…

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