24th December 2009
The press no-a believe me when I say them “We notta buying any folk” in January. Mamma Mia! I donta know how Fabio or Gianfranco putta up with this English Paparazzi! In the Chelski Gazzetta today it say I about to sign Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Cristiano Ronaldo, Robinho, Cesc Fabregas and Fernando Torres in the new year! Whatta Mistaka da maka! In January, I heading off to Milano to finda some new suits as the English weather, how you say, make them all soggy and look bad. I no like snow. I get Christmas card today in the post from Jose. He say “See you in January! Hope you lika it in my office!” I know what he getting at though. The cheeky geet! This is my club now! He can getta stuffed and so will his Inter team in February! Ha!
25th December 2009
Buon Natale! I getta up early and go to training pitches. Players come in a bit later after I have my meetings with staff. We have a nice glass of Sherry and laugha at the players Christmas presents. Somma naughty boy buy JT a t-shirt with what lookalike a car road sign that says “Bridge Access Only : £10,000” written on it. He is forced to wear it in training and we have much laughter! Afterwards we have mince pies and Joey Cole singa “Leetle Donkey” to us. He very good, but not X-Factor yet. Lamps though he eatta lot mince pies and I worry about him being fit tomorrow for the game with Birmingham. Afterwards the chairman come down. He nice man. He gives us all an Aston Martin DB9, a private Jet and a statue of Mickey Droy made of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds. He apologise for gifts and say it’s cos of credit crunch and that Sergio Aguero want a lot more money than he is worth. Ah well. I don’ta mind really. I wish him “Buon Natale!” just before I go and speaka with the press for tomorrow’s game.
26th December 2009
I wakea up to the story in the Gazzetto della Sol that a journalista overhead me telling Roman that I am about to sign an Italian called “Buon Natale” for £30m in January. Stupido!
We playa Birmingham today and we notta win again. I so angry I fling my Viennetta against the wall in fury! I learna this from Fergie who kicka da boot and Arsene who throwa da pizza! I say “Lamps! Too much mince pie and not enough goals!”. I speaka to Ballack but he stare at me and I afraid. He looka like a terminator man. I calla him “Germanator” from nowa on.
27th December 2009
I signing Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi for £200m each in January say the paparazzi. I laugh when they ask me for a comment and say “I showa my bum in Harrods window if we buya anyone in January!”
28th December 2009
Phew! Wea camea croppa nearly! Fulham play good footyball. Roy Hodgson good manager and they cause us problems, but we win in the end thanks to Didier and an oggy! Thatta good result as United closing in anda Rooney looka strong against Hull. We backa on track now! Mr Al Fayed come up to me and say he has kept me a space in his window display. I knowa not what he mean…
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