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Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Harry Redknapp

HarryRedknapp1st January 2010

Cor Lumme! Would you Adam and Eve it! Only got the Inland Revenue in ain’t I? Checking the books over again! Mainly the deals from Pompey days mind you, so I ain’t too worried. Compared to the fakery and dodgy dealings that’s gone on at Fratton Park in the past few years, what I done ain’t nuffink to be too worried abaht. Besides I’ve offered the inspector a little sweetener to make sure the books all add up, so it’s sorted.

In the afternoon I got a call from Brucey. He says he wants Bentley. I say fine, but I want Kenwyne Jones in a swap. Brucey isn’t keen. He says Bentley hasn’t played for six months and the only notable thing he’s done all season long is get nabbed by the old bill. I tell him that I want Jones. After all he is the only Sunderland striker I’ve not yet had at Spurs and I need him to complete my Esso Tiger Token collection.

2nd January 2010

Came into the Lane this morning, only to find a load of press round the office. They wanted my reaction to Pav’s words in a Russian paper that said I was mocking him by not selecting him and that I’d broken a promise by saying he’d play against Manchester United. What utter tosh! I’m not playing him at all if he fannies about in reserve games with partner in crime Bentley, and then goes off whining to Pravda about it. He wants me to sell him, the cheeky git! Sell him? I’d rather send him to a bloody Siberian labour camp or worse still, on loan to Liverpool. 

I called him into the offic after training, but he was nowhere to be seen and instead sent his agent who said that Pavlyuchenko was “misquoted”. I bet he was. They always are. I told his agent if he wants a transfer, he just needs to put it in writing officially so the club aren’t liable to pay off the remainder of his contract. He didn’t seem too keen on the idea unsurprisingly. Honest things are so bad here, I spoke to some Spurs fans who’d have preferred it if we’d kept Sergei Rebrov than this plonker.

3rd January 2010

I’m getting twitchy fingers now. It’s been three days since the transfer window opened and I haven’t bought or sold anyone yet. It’s a bit like cold turkey for me. I’ve got the shakes and I’m fighting the uncontrollable desire to pick up the phone and do a deal. For anyone. I don’t care. I may even phone Rafa Benitez and ask about Lucas Leiva… Hang on, why is the physio coming at me with a big syringe and saying “It’ll all be ok in a few minutes Harry…” Why’s he doin that stickin the needle in my arm? Oh… I feel…Woozzzy…zzzzzz…

Thank God for that. Feel much better now the meds have kicked in. I can’t believe I nearly spent £6m on Lucas Leiva, not when I could have had Andrea Dossena and Andrei Voronin for the same price. They’d have admitted me to the Priory for that and I’d be there, cathetered up to my polythene bag, discussing my problems with Amy Winehouse and Kerry Katona. Never again! 

4th January 2010

Called our Jamie after I saw him on telly last night raving about some player or other called Thomas Cook. I’d never heard of him and I couldn’t find him listed anywhere in the Sporting Life, so I rang him up. He told me it was a travel company, but I don’t believe him. I watched the ad myself today and when I heard him and Louise going on about “doing it”, “having it” and “enjoying it” I reckoned Thomas Cook is probably cockney rhyming slang.

We’ve got a big game at Anfield coming up so we watched the video of the Reading v Liverpool FA Cup clash today. It was funnier than the Royle Family Christmas special. I’m looking forward to it. If we win, that puts Liverpool seven points behind us and I don’t think even we can Thomas Cook it up from there.

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Article title: Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Harry Redknapp

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