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Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Liverpool’s Rafa Benitez

13th January 2010.

Oopsy Daisy. Not a good week so far after Reading come to Anfield and knock us out of the cup and then to cap it all we lose Fernando, Stevie and Yossi with nasty injuries. Things are so bad I am forced to play Ryan for some of the game, but he didn’t do well. My mother tries harder than he does at times. So I let him have it after the game and tell players they have let everyone down. Still, we must remain positive, we can still finish fourth, win the Europa Cup and best of all, sell Babel to another club.

Call my wife and ask her to double check on the housing situation in Spain just in case the owners get itchy fingers.

14th January 2010

It is a sad day as Liverpool lose Andrea Dossena and Andrei Voronin, two of our most exciting, dynamic and action packed players. Amazingly Napoli and Dinamo Moscow pay money to us for them, so I excitedly run to the board and ask how much I can spend from it. I am told I can go sweetshop and get Tom a Mars Bar and George a Twix. Tom Jnr is on the computer busy writing emails to fans. He is such a good man taking time out to speak with the mad scousers. I decide to bring him a Bounty to show my gratitude. George gives me £5 to get sweeties with and tells me I can keep the change to spend on players! Result!

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching for the game with Stoke. With our injuries I am forced to even consider playing some of the youngsters from the reserves! Crazy! We work on a brand new formation in training which I think will bamboozle Stoke with our relentless thrusting attacks. I ask Alberto Aquilani to sit out the session as he has forgotten his hat and idiot mittens and I don’t want him catching a cold.

Later today, there is big trouble about Tom Jnr’s email. He told our fans to do something not very polite because the fans ask about the money the club hasn’t got. The cheek! Tom Snr says it is best he goes now, before he gets jumped by mad scousers outside the Grafton, is strapped to a lamppost and has indecent photographs taken of him wearing nothing but a pained expression and a Manchester United shirt.

15th January 2010.

My squad for the Stoke game is announced. I just write “Everyone we have fit, apart from that waste of space Ryan Babel”. People think it is a personal thing between us. It isn’t. I just don’t like him or his silly rap songs. He’s nowhere near as good as Dani Pacheco, who does a mean Tom Jones, and the dressing room is always in uproar whenever Martin Skrtel takes the microphone and pretends to be Bjork. Ryan isn’t happy, he slams the door on his car and drives off in a huff. A few hours later Sammy tells me Babel has been twittering his discontent. I’m not that bothered, so long as he doesn’t write a bloody rap song about it.

I’ve been busy this afternoon writing my comic genius material for the press conference! Sammy helps me with it as we try to do a pastiche of my fact based rant about Sir Alex Ferguson last January. It’s very funny but we have to make some difficult choices. But here for you dear Diary is what I left out :

“Fact : I know nothing… I am from Barthelona!” (I say it in a Manuel voice from Fawlty Towers! It is doubly funny for me as I am not from Barcelona at all!)

“Fact : Danny Murphy is the Mekon from Dan Dare!” : I wanted to do this, but Sammy say it is not a good idea. Danny and Stevie G are good mates and despite what Danny says about me getting the sack, Sammy reckons if I take the mick out of Danny then Stevie will be a Real Madrid player by the summer.

“Fact : My tactics are an effective alternative to Sleeping tablets” : We laugh a lot at this, especially with my new dynamic formation to be displayed tomorrow against Stoke! We should win at least 7-2 or something I reckon!

I think we should have left some in. The men from the press don’t think it is that funny. Perhaps I need advice from a genius scouse wit like Tarby or Stan Boardman. They can help with my comedy too.

16th January 2010

A Game today with Stoke City! We know what to expect! Time to unveil my master plan that is certain to get us winning again… 9 defensive players, two attackers, one played out of position. It’s a winner! Sit back and enjoy the results! Champions League here we come!

17th January 2010.

Oh B*llocks… knew I should have played that extra defender…

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Article title: Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Liverpool’s Rafa Benitez

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