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Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Sir Alex Ferguson

23rd January 2010

The game with Hull went as expected really. They put 10 men behind the ball and had Craig Fagan in attack, the only striker in the Premiership who makes my purchase of Ralph Milne look like a shrewd buy. He’s a nasty piece of work as well Fagan, sly and vindictive at times. I was of course greatly upset when Rio ‘accidentally’ copped him one with his elbow. Still it was a good result and we went back top, which is the least I expect.

It was nice after the game as I took my dog “Neville” out for a walk on the Old Trafford pitch. Bless him, he’s getting on a bit now but he chases that ball down with regularity and savages anything vaguely anti-Manchester United with a gusto that I can only find impressive. To be honest, if his bark wasn’t so impressive, I’d have taken him the knackers yard by now. I’ve asked him if he wanted a United sponsored Zimmer frame but he just barked at me and shouted “I hate scousers!”, so I left him be.

I’ve got to be honest though, I was a bit worried about what happened with Carlos Tevez last week. At one point I thought Neville was going to run on the pitch and savage him. Instead he just growled and flicked him his middle paw. The FA are up in arms about it. They should be thankful that I had lessons with the Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, and I had Neville on a short leash. Otherwise I’ve no doubt he’d have ran onto the pitch and chased Tevez all over the place. Mind you, he’s so slow nowadays he’d never have caught him. Dimitar Berbatov would have been in trouble though. I’ve seen glaciers move more quickly.

Wayne got a lot of credit for his four goals. I got his agent on the phone today saying he’d fax through his new contract demands. I thought the fax was on the blink when I saw a row of zero’s stretching as far as the eye could see, but apparently that is what he wants per season for the next four years.

I’ve checked the bank balance and we can offer him a half-time orange and vigorous all over body massages from Luis Antonio Valencia. Plus 30p a goal. I did ask for 50p but the Glazer’s said I wasn’t to spend money unnecessarily.

25th January 2010

Since my bid of 20p and Gary Neville’s used tie ups for Schalke 04 goalkeeper Manuel Neuer was surprisingly rejected, I’ve decided I’m going to save all my money until the Summer window and have a real splurge in the market then. I reckon by June we’ll have saved up around…Och… £10 or more. I’m tempted to go for Torres as I know Liverpool need the money.

I called Anderson in today about him missing training and gave him the hairdryer treatment. It’s a nice Braun one and Mrs Ferguson swears by it claiming it does her full bonce in about 2 minutes flat. So I told Anderson if he is late for training again, supposedly because his hair took too long to dry, not only will I give him a “Bobby Charlton” look, but I’ll get faithful old hound Neville to viciously maul his swinging samba sack with his sharp claws.

Cannot believe what that eejit Tevez is saying about us in the Argentinean press. He says we didn’t want him or make him feel welcome! What a joke! It took me seconds to find that squat in Mossside for him and all his family (well it did have TWO bedrooms and a running toilet, although what it was running with I am not sure), and yes, maybe not speaking to him or playing him for six months may seem odd to him, but that is how I do things with players I want to keep here. Just because I called him Quasimodo’s uglier brother when I did select him, doesn’t mean I didn’t want him. Honestly, sometimes people take things so personally!

Still with Rooney on the pitch and trusty old Neville off it, we stand a good chance on Wednesday of getting our own back.

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Article title: Excerpts from the diary of a Premier League Manager : Sir Alex Ferguson

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