Ligue 1

Footballers Should Never Sing

Hoddle and Waddle go for it

Carlo Ancelotti has revealed in his autobiography that Yuri Zhirkov’s karaoke initiation when he signed for Chelsea has gone down in history as the worst the club has ever seen.

Ancelotti said: “He stood on a stool and began. I’ve never heard anything that bad. It was a disaster, he didn’t hit one note.” The Italian continued: “Pieces of bread were flying within seconds, followed by whole pieces of fruit. He went on singing like a drowning cat, or a stuck pig, for two solid minutes.”

I can’t say I know what a ‘stuck pig’ sounds like but I imagine they’re not the best crooners. This story did make me think though. Why do footballers sing and they’re always crap? So, I’m going to play Simon Cowell and have my own little X Factor….

John Barnes / New Order – World In Motion

Cowell’s comments: “You stood there with a football under your arm, for some reason, with your other arm on your hip and then just swayed from side to side for a bit?! John, that was the highlight for me I’m afraid. It was. Your voice isn’t good enough to win the competition John but it was nice to meet you.”

You’ve got to give Barnes credit for having the balls to do a rap in front of the nation. Sadly his super slow rapping wasn’t enough to lift England to World Cup glory in 1990.

Phil Brown

Having survived relegation on the last day of the season, despite getting beat, Hull manager Phil Brown was delirious at having just about staved off relegation with thirty five points. Oh, did I mention they were sixth in the league and had twenty seven points at Christmas? He sang his lovely orange face off with a rendition of ‘don’t wanna go home’.

Cowell’s comments: “Well….on the positives Phil you have the look of a pop star. Fake tan and silly facial hair is a good start. But how old did you say you are? 26? Come on Phil seriously? Look…this is a singing competition and you didn’t sing, you just shouted. It was a bad song choice. Don’t wanna go home? I’m afraid you are Phil, goodbye.”

Hoddle and Waddle

Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle took a little break from football in 1987 to sing ‘Diamond Lights’ on Top Of The Pops. It reached number twelve in the UK singles charts, which I have to say is pretty impressive for two footballers with no band singing with them (i.e. New Order, Lightning Seeds etc).

Cowell’s comments: “Erm…look. Glenn, you don’t have a bad voice. But Chris, you looked like you were about to fall asleep on stage. I think you’ve got a decision to make here Glenn, whether you want to try again without your friend?”

Sadly Hoddle didn’t re-audition without Waddle. But he did run off to Monaco two years later leaving Waddle on his own at Tottenham.

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