Manchester United

Manchester United’s Green and Gold Is Nonsense

What’s this Green and Gold nonsense at Manchester United all about then? Load of old curtain twitching good old day rubbish if you ask me. I mean that’s not even their colours is it? Man Utd are red aren’t they? Like blood, or Coke or communism…..or being in the red. It’s something about Newton’s Heath apparently – wherever that is – but what a load of old boiled sweets. Get with the times granddad, take off your flat cap, buy an iPad, get on Twitter and throw away your Werther’s Originals and have a Jelly Snake. The Glazers are good for United I reckons, and here’s why;

1. Debt keeps everyone on their toes – Divide and conquer, worked for the Romans didn’t it? Granted their empire came crashing down after some bloke got nailed to a plank for being nice an all that but the theory’s still sound. Complacency can be rotting, better to keep everyone on the edge, that way they’ll play like their lives depend on it every week, and the fans’ll sing their willies off. Look at Portsmouth, it’s really galvanized them hasn’t it?

2. No more  quiet Old Trafford – The fans are loving it really, don’t let them tell you otherwise. All those quiet home games against mid table opposition have suddenly become raucous caldrons of passion. That would never have happened under a plc. Atmosphere’s overrated anyway if you ask me, it’s never done Stoke any good has it? and who are Stoke anyway? Exactly.

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3. Everyone loves Americans now – Since Obama, it’s cool have an American owner surely?. If you mocked up a stylized stencil image of old gnome features in red, blue and beige and whacked it on a T-shirt it’d sell like hot cakes. Far more aesthetically pleasing than that pea green and canary yellow nonsense (I mean really, it’s like What Not to Wear never happened). Can we service our debt? – Yes We Can!…See, marvellously cool already.

4. More Executive seats – The more expensive tickets get, the more seats you can flog to execs and the suitably rich. I mean don’t these proles realize how lucky they are? They’re getting to watch world-class football for a pittance. The sooner people who understand real value for money take over the Stretford End the better. You could put armchairs all around it too and serve coffee. Much more civilized, and worth a few bob too. These people understand that you get what you pay for and the more of them there are, willing to pay for it, the quicker the debt will reduce. Simple maths really. All this standing up nonsense is most ungentlemanly anyway, you can’t eat standing up for a start, and you’ll ruin your shoes.

5. The less big name players United sign, the less chance of they have of selling them to Real Madrid – Conversely, the more cheap nurtured talent they unearth, the more chance of selling them for a massively inflated profit to Real Madrid at some point in the near to distant future. It’s win win really.

There are literally 3s of other reasons, but I think that’ll suffice for the minute. Down with this nasty Green and Gold business I say, it’s really quite ridiculous. And very confusing for us who never go. It’s hard enough trying to work out who our players are without trying to work out what colour we’re playing in as well.

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