Arsenal

Premiership Primate Predictor

Premiership predictor games are good fun but they can get a bit boring in terms of watching your points drift and seeing your name ebb ever closer to the ‘contact us’ lettering at the foot of the web page.

The Primate Predictor is just for fun. No leagues, in fact no record keeping! Charlie the Chimp rattles through the games guessing the results and picks his banker. Can you beat the monkey? Can you?

Arsenal vs Swansea

The wheels came off the Gunners against Manchester United. Whereas Swansea are rapidly becoming the Premiership’s draw specialists. If Van Persie can replicate the ken form he demonstrated on that awful Ant & Dec game show the cloud over the Emirates may just shift… Prediction 2-0.

Everton vs Aston Villa

The Toffees are slowly being asset stripped and it makes for unpleasant viewing. Villa aren’t exactly having a a ball morale wise either. Is it McLeish who’s responsible for all the empty seats at Villa Park, or just the lukewarm football? Prediction 1-1.

Manchester City vs Wigan

Oh dear. This could get messy. Hello lambs, slaughter? No problem, third door on your right. Thank  you. Hello lambs, slaughter? No problem… Mancini’s machine looks horribly well oiled. Wigan will need to park several buses and an articulated lorry. Prediction 4-0.

Stoke vs Liverpool

Be nice to see Andy Carroll turn for this one and silence some pretty dull critics. Stoke have made some interesting purchases but have they bought good players? No better way to test the water than Stoke away, I’d say. Prediction 2-2.

Sunderland vs Chelsea

Sunderland are in a bit of an mess. This Gyan chap wants a clout round the ear. His agent wants a good shoeing. I like Steve Bruce. He strikes me as a decent bloke. I don’t like Fernando Torres. I don’t care if you are Spanish, you do not name your kid after an ABBA song. That’s just courting disaster. Prediction 1-0.

Wolves  vs Tottenham

Mmmn. This has upset written through it like a stick of rock. Except Spur’s form has been so lousy, so very lousy it won’t upset anyone if they lose here. Wolves are looking far stronger this season and all eyes will be on Adebayor to make the difference. Prediction 0-1.

BANKER Bolton vs Manchester United BANKER

Bolton walloped QPR in week one and then got on the wrong end of City and the Scousers. Manchester United have only one weakness and that is their 12 year old child wearing a XXXL shirt they have elected as goalie. This is a damage limitation exercise for the Trotters. Prediction 1-3.

Norwich vs West Brom

Carrow Road is a great place to watch football. But if you do find yourself in Norwich I’d swerve this and head to the market in the main square. There’s a stall there that does the most delicious Chinese food I’ve ever had in recent years. Just up the road is a really good TV & memorabilia shop. Spend your ticket money on some Ronnie Barker DVDs. Prediction 1-0.

Fulham vs Blackburn

No matter where you are in the world, if one of these two don’t lose you’ll be able to open a window and hear a manager breathe a sigh of relief. Steve Keen is probably going to be so heavily medicated he won’t remember this game. If the score doesn’t kill him, Jol’s trade mark bear hug surely will. Prediction 2-0.

QPR vs Newcastle

This is my match of the day which is to say my tip of the one to watch. It really could go either way and both will be secretly believing that they can nick all three points. Warnock vs Pardew. Only one way to decide …FIGHT! Prediction 2-2.

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