Chelsea

Those Damned Sarf Americans

Diego Forlorn

As the title suggests, I am publicaly about to make an overtly racist statement. Look away now if you think it may offend your sensibilities, we are supposed to be a family website after all, but my assertion is that when it comes to South Americans, they generally can’t play football – in the Premiership at least.

Never has this been more apparent than at Old Trafford. Is it the cobbled streets, flat caps and whippets that do it or even the perpetual rain that seems to fall in this corner of the World I wonder? Whatever the reason, there have been a litany of disasters to occur whenever Alex Ferguson has decided to trawl the South American continent for talent.

Who remembers Kleberson? He was one the World’s most coveted midfielders until Man. Utd signed him where was instantly transformed from an elegant ball winner to a three-legged donkey trying to dodge the glue factory. A similar fate befell Juan Sebastian Veron who went from Argentina’s finest to expensive flop in barely two years before astonishingly being given a second crack of the whip at Chelsea.

And then there was Uruguayan superstar Diego Foreskin Forlan. Signed from Independiente for £6.9m in January 2002, he didn’t get his first goal until almost nine months later. By then his most arid scoring drought in the Premiership had led to the press dubbing him ‘Diego Forlorn’ before he was eventually shipped out to Villarreal and replaced by Wayne Rooney.

Sod’s law dictated that he would win two European Golden Boots following his Premiership exit before leading his country to within an ace of the 2010 World Cup Final.

Spurs are reportedly interested in bringing the striker back to England but don’t say I didn’t warn them.

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