One thing nobody has control over is what they are to be named when they arrive on Earth. Here I’m going to give you five footballers whose parents were either a fantastic laugh or deliciously cruel. It can simply be that in some cases it was a matter of not knowing any English slang when naming their child. Whatever way these blokes must have took some stick over the years.

5. Quim (Braga, Benfica)

For those who don’t know Quim is a slang term for a woman’s downstairs parts. I first heard the use of quim on Bo Selecta. Go on Youtube and find ‘Marilyn Manson Bo Selecta’ and watch a posh toff parody of the musical freak calling everybody ‘Mildred’ and asking ‘where does he keep his quim?’

4. Danny Shittu (QPR, Watford)

Poor old Danny Shittu. An African name that had he stayed in Nigeria probably wouldn’t have caused many problems. Playing football in England however means Shittu must have been subjected to more ridicule already than most people would take in a lifetime. At least he sees the funny side though. In a post-match interview one time after he’d scored he said: “I’m not as bad as my name suggests.”

3. Rod Fanni (Nice, Rennes)

Do I even need to comment on his name? No? I didn’t think so.

2. Bernt Haas (Grasshopper, Sunderland, West Brom)

Hahahahaha. What a superb name. I can only imagine the one-liners Bernt must have heard a million times when he was out and about in the North East. ‘Howay Bernt, hoows your arse failing?” I can’t do a Geordie accent but you get the point.

1.Stefan Kuntz (VFL Bochum, Kaiserslautern)

There was only ever one winner. English people around the World laughed themselves silly during Euro 96 whenever his name was mentioned. If you haven’t seen it you must Youtube Czech Republic’s Euro 96 game with Germany where John Motson says: “Bierhoff has a chance to stake his claim now that the two strikers have been taken off.....Kuntz.”

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