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Urgent Appeal Please Give Generously

This is an urgent appeal. Right now, as you sit in comparative first world luxury, not in some far flung, war torn, African hell hole, but much nearer – in some instances, almost uncomfortably nearer – there are people suffering.

Specifically David Gold and David Sullivan.

These two grotty businessmen are on the verge of extinction and desperately need your help. Now. In a plea from the heart, Sullivan, only just holding back real tears, admitted last night that he and Gold had bought a lemon.

“David Gold and I are typical of maybe a million Hammers fans. Other than when Birmingham maybe played West Ham, we never saw them in the last 20 years.”

Initially the multimillionaires had a ball. They borrowed a massive ‘Under New Management’ banner from their mate Singh at The Septic Bhaji and made daft offers for players they didn’t even have telephone numbers for.

Then, as they began to look closely at West Ham, what they found were IOU’s to the tune of £110 million pounds and a squad of two bob footballers looking back at them.

“Come to a game before the end of the season, buy something from the club shops, visit our website or use a West Ham credit card. We need everyone to do something for the club we all love”, pleaded a fraught and emotional Sullivan.

So then to you dear readers. This is your opportunity to bring aid to people who need it. Remember, it was Gold and Sullivan who wanted British support for their British club. Now is the time to rally behind these brave few, these bastions of British entrepreneurial dynamism.

Send your donations to Red Hot And Cross Parcels,  (T/A) West ‘Am Football Club, Boleyn Ground, Green Street, Upton Park, London E13 9AZ. Milk bottle tops, used stamps and second hand porn mags most welcome).

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Article title: Urgent Appeal Please Give Generously

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