Now pay attention men, we’ve an awful lot to get through here and there will be questions afterwards. Probably.

Stevie G’s Alex Curran is on a mission.

“Steven will definitely be a great captain. I know he’ll do a good job like he does at Liverpool, and I’m sure they’ll all pull together. I’ve decided to stay at home in England to watch the early games and will only go to South Africa if they make the semi-finals.

“From what I hear, not many wives or girlfriends are going out there – unless the team gets to the final, that is. Nothing’s been organised this year by the FA, so if we want to go we’ll have to make our own plans.

“If we do make it to the semi-finals – and my fingers and toes are firmly crossed – I’ll have to sort out my travel plans at the last minute. I can go as long I don’t come into contact with Steven. I don’t think I’ll be able to see him at all. I’d be there just to go to the games.”

Can you begin to imagine the indignity of having to arrange your own travel plans in order to inflict yourself upon your partner’s place of work? The world has fallen on its head I tell you.

At least some WAGs have their feet on the ground when their ankles aren’t in the air.

“I do admire her (Alex Curran)for spending all her time looking after the family, but I can’t understand why she doesn’t mind that all she’s known for is being a W“Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I date a footballer, but I’m fiercly independent, too.

“I’ve always worked hard at having my own career because I’d hate to rely on my man for money.”

Yes, shame on you Alex. Shame, shame, shame!

Fat Fwank’s Christine Bleakley? She’s rubbish. But that doesn’t stop her earning. And condoning by her silence absolute cobblers. She’s supposedly turned down a £6 million deal with ITV to accept a £2 million deal with the Beeb. The idea anyone would pay her to do anything other than to ‘go away’ is beyond me.

“Christine knows that at the BBC she will be a major player now and will be in line to get big opportunities as well as being guaranteed to front the Olympics – which would have been Adrian’s job, alongside Sue Barker.”

Oh I get it,staring into Sue Barker’s dreadful face, suddenly two mill looks cheap.

And lastly it’s our distinctly dubious honour to introduce Sarah Purnell. Ex lap dancing sensation and the girl our Ashley calls, ‘sexy bum’. Which is apparently how one addresses royalty. According to one of Ms Purnell’s mates, ‘Ashley was a perfect gentleman and treated her like a princess.’

That presumably means he didn’t dismount her half way through taking her ‘to heaven and back’ to vmit before clambering back on board the good ship Halfwit. Her pal continued,

“Ever since the first night Ashley’s been asking her to visit him but she lives a three-hour drive away and is determined to keep him at a distance while they find out more about each other.’

Don’t fret though dear reader, distance is no object to this multi millionaire. He’ll send you an MMS of him having a **** from his hotel bathroom.

If that doesn’t keep your home fires burning, then it just wasn’t to be, love.

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