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OMG! OMG! OMG! or at least one would imagine that is at least an accurate synopsis of WAG texts this week.

Obviously the story of the week is Tottenham’s Peter Crouch and his penchant for Algerian midgets. Why do these guys do these things? Because they are facile idiots living facile lives. He spent €1000 on a brass …like you and I would drop £2 on hamburger.

I don’t resent the quantity of money they earn. but I absolutely reserve the right to point how just how mind bogglingly stupid they are with it. A chimpanzee whacked out of it’s mind on Viagra locked in a monkey brothel with a free pass would be a superior moral compass to these idiots.

Of course, being the cheerless mocking black hole I am I have zero sympathy for Abbey Clancy. I take the Chris Rock line here that if Hilary had been taking care of business at home, Bill wouldn’t have ruined Monica’s dress.

Clancy has been seeking support from Toni Terry. No really. I didn’t make that up. Maybe it’s the future in counseling. You get advice from some one as stupid as yourself. Only when faced with a degree of gormless on a par with your own do you become enlightened and able to truly start the healing process.

Jamie O’Hara‘s babe Danielle Lloyd has been a brave little soldier too. She ‘braved’ a night out at private members club Cirque du Soir. Her first night away from her new baby, Archie. Most ordinary women are wrapped up in cotton wool with their 20 hour a week part time contracts doing crappy jobs in order to top up the household income, but our Danielle is in the front line braving a 20’s style cocktail dress and slingbacks.

Not so long ago, you couldn’t move for Vanessa Peroncell. Not that she’s a big girl, just that she was naffing everywhere. Rumours of quite revolting proportions were doing the rounds. Tales of interrupted romps on landings, an abortion and more.

The story then kind of died. Manchester City’s Wayne Bridge refused to shake Chelsea’s John Terry’s hand, the England Captain became an ex-England Captain and the whole thing just sort of fizzled away.

Resurrecting this tale might have required the services of someone quite high up in the church. But GMTV luminary Kate Garraway volunteered so the job’s a good ‘en.

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Article title: Wagb*tch!

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