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What does a footballer’s WAG actually do? Apart from shopping and applying shed-loads of fake tan, most of them will do or say anything for a shred of publicity. Here at the Tavern we have the latest in what the WAG’s have been up to in the last week, what they have been saying or how many holiday’s they have been on in the last month.

Let’s start with Crouchy’s missus Abbey Clancy. Abbey is delighted with herself for losing 5lb after a recent trip to India, where she was filming some ITV2 show. She was obviously slumming it in India, saying:

“We would have curry for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was also eating so much bread, but I didn’t have any sweets or chocolate. At home I have to have a dessert every night – cheesecake or chocolate pudding.”

Eating only bread and curry must have been such a traumatic experience for Abbey, I think she deserves some sort of humanitarian award from UNICEF after her ordeal.

While Abbey gets thinner, Danielle Lloyd gets fatter as she posts pictures of her baby bump on Twitter and moans that she was the only sober one when she went out with Jamie O’Hara and friends. Does anyone really care?

And Christine Bleakley and Frank Lampard were spotted having some nosh. With her mother. Nice.

In other news, Cheryl Cole fears she is washed up at 26 and will never find love again. I feel sorry for Cheryl because she must have the problem of being too good looking and obviously the millions of men out there are not good enough for her. I’m sure she can get over her problems by focusing on her solo career and the number of T4 awards or OK Magazine awards that she is bound to pick up this year.

Vanessa Perroncel was spotted out celebrating her 33rd birthday over the weekend dancing to- yep you guessed it- Kayne West’s Gold Digger! Just one day after winning a child support battle against ex-boyfriend Wayne Bridge. Nice.

Finally, we have Louise Redknapp, who is reportedly the new face of Carlsberg and their new Eve spritzer drink. Has she not learned her lesson from the Thomas Cook adverts? Husband Jamie will probably try and get in on the act – it’s not as though he can ruin his credibility even more.

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Article title: WAGb*tch

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