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Wayne Rooney, Denis Law And A Cue Ball In A Sock

How to upset a United fan…

Firstly, I hope Rooney does leave United. I hope he buggers off completely, to play benchwarmer for a European giant and we are thus spared his all-pervading physical and existential ugliness all over everything. His petulant, manner, his infantile projection of blame. He’s lost his form, and while I wish the spud no harm or unhappiness [sic], maybe it will spell the end of our Python-like adulation of the man. He’s not the messiah – he’s a very naughty boy.

I hope it spells the beginning of the end of United’s era too, because it’s about goddamn time. Not to put United’s fortunes on one player – we’ve tried that before and ate all the humble pies, but his ‘unhappiness’ may be indicative of trouble at ‘mill.

And before any prospective commenters get all indignant and sweary, I’m not coming at this from a City fan’s perspective. Not entirely, anyway. I’m trying really hard to be objective. Neutral. It’s… not… easy… but….

I respect Scumchester United’s success and what they’ve done for English football, in the same way Liverpool did before them and others have to a lesser degree. It pains me to admit it, but they have often been an absolute joy to watch, if you put away your inherent hatred for a spell.

For a while, their swagger and assuredness seemed impenetrable. No one can deny the immensity of the club’s achievements. But selling Cristiano and not humouring the human sausage – recently referred to as a ‘well-groomed, media-trained icon of a man – might just be the two most stupid things Sir Alex and co have done/not done. Fingers crossed, anyway. 2-2 at home to West Brom? From 2-0 up?

Is there a chink in the armour? An infected wound the remainder of the league can further expose, peck at, scratch and pour salt into? Is it time to overpower the bully and get a bit carried away with the kicks and punches while he’s twitching and spluttering on the playground floor with a snot bubble and a fat eye? I’m a mild-mannered type on the whole, but I’ll be there with a cue ball in a sock. WHAT TIME?

Okay, reeling it back in for a moment. Some of today’s papers are suggesting Man City might pounce – if these allegations and ‘understandings’ have any substance. Please, no. No, no, no. It’s okay, enraged reds fan.

We didn’t buy Kaka, Terry, Torres or Messi, either. So before you come out with the same old crap about prawns being thicker than Bovril or something equally meaningless, I think we can all agree it won’t happen. Or at very least, shouldn’t. Ever.

Rooney is Manchester United – more than Beckham was in many ways. And as far as red to blue goes, Tevez wasn’t pure red by a long way.

Schmiechel was in a sense, but not like ‘our Wayne’. Such a move for Rooney would be sacrilege for both teams, maybe more so than Dennis Law’s short tram-ride all those years ago. It just doesn’t bear thinking about. We couldn’t afford his wages, anyway, let alone the security detail. Not if we want to play in Europe.

Would I be saying this if City were, say, 10th in the league? Yes, I believe I would, and I will be if and when they are. I can put up with the Rooney era a bit longer provided it resolves in a way that allows him the space to grow up a lot, for the charity shops to fill up with replica shirts, and for the league and the national side to move on. I’m so, like, bored of it, know’m sayin’?

The United era I can endure for longer, if I must. They’ve earned it, I suppose. City haven’t earned anything so far except a couple of weeks in second spot, mainly thanks to Euro qualifiers, other results and a terrier-like Argentine. But I still loves ‘em more than anyone else, and reckon it’s only a matter of time. Oh, and money. I think you can buy the league. Watch.

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Article title: Wayne Rooney, Denis Law And A Cue Ball In A Sock

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