Footy related songs are the original mixed bag. Some aren’t very good and others are quite awful. Here’s my pop topping parade of … oh here’s ten of the English ones… And if you don’t get your act together, I’ll find another ten.
TEN Ant & Dec – We’re On The Ball
An almost Madnessesque vibe from Ant Not Dec, then. Not so much a song, but a SEO listing of World Cup related phrases punctuated with car horns and a Bontempi drum loop. Needless to say this is awful. Think Yate’s Wine Lodge Bar-B-Que, blokes in shorts with football tattoos peeping out of their off white socks. Watch.
NINE England Squad ’82 – This Time We’ll Get It Right
There’s something vaguely funereal about this one. And if you had the misfortune to sit through any of the England performances in that year’s tournament, it all makes sense. Not good. I think about Ray Wilkins and I just get agitated. Watch.
EIGHT Various Artistes – How Does It Feel To Be On Top Of The World?
With a production budget of £37.80 this is nearly the worst video I have ever seen. If you stare at the Bunnyman’s face for a while, he actually begins to morph into Michael Jackson. On an upbeat note, everyone is singing sufficiently loudly to drown out Dave Beckham’s missus. Watch.
SEVEN Embrace -World At Your Feet
‘With the world at your feet there’s no one you can’t beat’. If bedsit ditties are your bag then this one will woo you like a Louis Vuitton. Typifies the sort of studenty tosh I have no time for. 2006? 1986 more like. Next…. Watch.
SIX Rider & Terry Venables – England Crazy
Holy Mother of God. Crooning his eyebrows to within an inch of his life, it’s Scribesman incarnate, El Tel. 2002 saw this homage to who knows what endlessly revolving around Eros to frankly, no good purpose. If you listen very closely in the quiet bits, you can hear Sinatra revolving endlessly – in his grave. Hateful stuff. Watch.
FIVE New Order -World In Motion
Like aural dental anesthetic. You listen, there’s a mild amount of pain, then you’re under and by the time Barnesy starts his tinnitus rap you can’t feel very much at all. A great toe tapper for people who don’t like music very much. Watch.
FOUR England Win With Ease – England World Cup Song
Uber catchy piece of ravey fun from the good people at One Little Indian Records. A blatant but joyful twist on the Ebenezzer Goode tune. Watch.
THREE Rik Mayall – Noble English
Bizarre is a frequently overused word. But this is up there with the very bizarrest. Watch.
TWO Lightning Seeds – Three Lions
My only issue with this one is Skinner. He’s even more of a talent shy, classless bore than I am. Moving on, this won the affection of virtually everyone at the time and for a football tune is remarkably melodic. Matey and Brit Poppy. Watch.
ONE Fat Les – Vindaloo
Ballsy pastiche of The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony vid and a song featuring the immortal line ‘we’re gonna score one more goal than you’ and dazzling array of cameos from some people who you thought were dead and some that actually are dead. With a nice hoolie feel to it, Keith Allen’s masterpiece swaggers in to the top slot. Watch.
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