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Excerpts from the Diary of a Premier League Manager

RafaBenitezUnfortunately, they’ve upped security at the ground of the manager we wanted to infiltrate this week. Something about their captain Terry summat selling unofficial tours of the club to line the pockets of a ticket tout. I’d even got the reddies ready and they were in a big brown envelope and everything, but when we turned up they had security guards there and Dennis Wise prowling up and down outside the gate spoiling for a fight. So in the end, we had to go somewhere else and here are the results of our tireless search.

Saturday 19th December

8.00am : We have a walk after breakfast. I check Alberto Fragilani is ok and think it may be best if he stays behind and has another round of toast. It’s icy out today and he could slip over and easily graze his hand and be out two months.

9.00am : We have our pre-match meeting. I explain how I want them to play and the players listen. I tell them I want another performance devoid of flair and imagination, that utterly demoralises the fans who made the long journey south, preferably ending in a 2-0 defeat where I can then blame the referee for making the right decision. I give them the thumbs up and cheeky scouse grin, but the players not looking too happy.  They don’t understand it doesn’t matter cos they can’t afford to sack me! Hurray for contracts and the credit crunch!

11am : We get to the stadium. Wow! I thought we were poor! The fans were begging for donations from the St John’s Ambulance crews dotted around the stadium.

12.45pm : Kick off! Brrrr! It’s cold today and my cheeks are red without me even getting a little angry about something. All going well until Bellhedge volleys one in from a tight angle! 1-0 down! My plan working well, the team looks disjointed and out of sorts. They look more bewildered than Davy Noise and his bulgy eyes! Ha! 

1.26pm : Phew! Danny Bagger nearly scored! God knows what would have happened if that had gone in! I would have had to take Torrent off and bring on Philly Daygin once again! The last time I did that, the fans say I don’t know what I am doing! I do know what I am doing! I am making us play crap and they just don’t like it!

1.29 : Mascarpone sent off. It was a perfect decision by the referee I say using my new book of scouse sarcasm! I think I’ll use it later too! Ok, it was high, dangerous and a leg-breaker, but he should not have been sent off. I know referee Mason, I say to him with his bald head he look like one of the ‘Smash’ robots and he get the hump with me. Oh well! Easier to lose now!

2.30 : 2-0 defeat and we play crap again. Interview with Sky man who ask me silly questions. “Are you under pressure of the sack?” Does he not know my contract and how many staff I have here? If the Yankee Doodle’s want to sack me they have to pay me lots of Euro’s and all my friends too. No way Jose or even hose b they can afford that! Things are so bad here financially that when fans throw their coins on the pitch in disgust at the end of the game, we have to collect them and use them to pay off Fragilani’s medical bill.

2.32 : Sky man asks silly question about referee. I tell him referee was “perfect!” lots of times! How I laugh at the FA! They cannot punish me for this as I say he is good, when it clearly isn’t true! I love my scouse sarcasm book! I use it all the time now, like when I say “This is a must win game!”, “We can finish fourth!”,  “We will be in the Champions Cup next season!”, “All the fans still love me!” and my own favourite “I am from Barcelona!”

5.00pm : Get a call from Carlo. He says will I sell him Gerald and Torrent as we are now officially “shi*e”. I tell him no because if I do, my head, it will be kicked in by angry redders fans. Besides I say Layla and Mmbop are far better players anyway and he should sign them instead.

5.01pm : Yankee’s call and ask if there is any truth to the rumour of lots of money on the table for two of our players. I say “No!” He He He! I love my sarcasm again! But sssh! Tell nobody! Or George will speak to Jurgen again!  

6.30pm : Oh dear! Sparkly Shoes has been given the heave-ho! He’s done better than me this year too! I get home from the trip and ask my wife if the Madrid estate agent has been back in touch. She say no because we’re not good this year. Ah well. Always next year I suppose. I watch X-Factor final on Sky Plus. That Danni Minogue, she revva my engine!

9pm : Realisation hit me of just how awful it has been. I went to bed depressed and miserable after the sheer depressing weight of what has happened finally hit. How could I have been so stupid? I’ve made some bad moves in my time, but this is the worst…  Why didn’t I vote for Olly?!? Why did that Joe have to win?! Why not the Sky reporter ask me about this hey? Always football, football, football! It makes me mad…

11pm : Download Rage Against the Machine. Ha! Up yours Joe!

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Article title: Excerpts from the Diary of a Premier League Manager

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