Today, you’re playing your arch rivals, The King’s Arms. You all climb into the mini-bus. Your fat mate Tony stands on your foot. Chris is in the back, and is still hungover from a stag-do he went on last night. As the bus pulls off, he throws up what was once a beef madras.
‘I don’t think I’ll be able to play today lads’ he says. ‘Don’t know whats up with me….I’ve been poorly all week.’ The rest of the team look gutted. ‘What are we supposed to do now?’ asks Dave (there’s always a Dave). We can’t play without our attacking midfielder!’ shouts Steve (there’s always a Steve). The manager/landlord smiles though. ‘Don’t worry lads! I’ve got the perfect replacement.’
You turn up at the pitch and look across to where The King’s Arms are warming up. They all look incredibly fit and healthy. The King’s Arms is located in the posh part of town, and they’re all ridiculously good looking, trendy professionals. Your lot are complaining that it’s wet and cold. Tony is knackered just getting out of the truck. There’s no way you can win…..
But then the gaffer reveals his surprise. He’s got a mate over at Barcelona, and he’s managed to acquire the services of Lionel Messi. The diminutive Argentine walks over wearing your ghastly green and white stiped shirt. You can’t believe your luck! Even Chris perks up a bit..but then chucks up again over his brand new footy boots. He let’s out a little moan.
Messi does a few keepy-ups and balances the ball on his head for more than 30 seconds. The King’s Arms team look worried. You’re made up! With Messi in the side, you can’t lose….
Just a story though, right? Well believe it or not, it is possible. This week saw an audacious bid for Messi, from an unlikely source.
FC Borne play in the French second division, Haute-Loire district league. The village they represent has about 400 people living in it. But the fact that they are mere minnows, doesn’t stop them dreaming big!
FC Borne’s president, Cedric Enjolras went to lunch with a few friends, and had too many glasses of vino. He drunkenly bet his friends that he could sign Lionel Messi for his non-league side. He even went so far as to draft a letter of the transfer request and forwarded it to the French Football Federation for approval.
Anywhere else in the world, this would prompt laughter, it might even be turned into a film starring Gerard Depardieu and Juliet Binoche. But the French Football Federation, failed to see the humour in the situation and suspended Enjolras for 6 months, for wasting their time. Yves Begon, chairman of France’s transfer committee said ‘We cannot accept such behaviour. It may be a joke but we are here to judge and deal with legitimate transfers.’
True story! If only Enjolras had succeeded in his bid! There’d be hope for pub teams everywhere!
Your team win by the way. Messi scores 16, but Tony still concedes 5. The King’s Arms look gutted, but you all celebrate. Except for Chris…he’s had to go to hospital with acute alcohol poisoning. You all take Messi down to the China Palace for a celebratory buffet. Turns out he loves salt and pepper chicken wings. So does Tony. But when Messi tries to swipe some of Tony’s salt and pepper chicken wings, a fight breaks out and Tony floors him.
With more people like Cedric Enjolras involved in football, this dream could one day become a reality!