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Secret Diary of Mark Clusterberk, Aged 35 & A Bit

Here at Football Transfer Tavern we like to bring you the exclusives! And they don’t come much more exclusive than this! I’ve managed to obtain (and you don’t want to know how I managed it) a copy of the entry in Mark Clattenburg’s diary from Saturday 26th February.

” Dear diary…..

Well what a day I’ve had! Stayed in a hotel last night, ahead of the Manchester United game. Was sat at breakfast with one of my linesmen, when he jumped up and started shouting that the waiter had poured hot tea in his lap. I told him to stop making such a fuss, he was embarrassing me. He told me that he was in a lot of pain, but I told him that I thought he was making a meal of the whole thing. Went upstairs and got dressed.

I insisted on driving us to the ground. Journey went smoothly I thought, but the other passengers kept screaming. I don’t tend to acknowledge the red light, I think yellow is good enough. Unless Steven Gerrard tells me otherwise. Got to the ground and got changed into my kit for the afternoon.

Sir Alex had left a lovely bottle of wine on my desk. A Chateau Lafite Rothschild Pauillac 1996. There was a note from Sir Alex saying ‘How kind of you to referee our game! Looking forward to splitting this with you when the season is over. Yours, Alex.’

Dave Whelan had left me £5 worth of JJB vouchers, but I only shop at Sports Direct! Anyway, thought I’d have a quick drink before we went out onto the pitch and ended up drinking half the bottle. Oh well, think I got away with it!

Game went smoothly, I thought. We won 4-0!! Oops, I mean, United won 4-0. There was one small incident. Someone told me that Wayne had elbowed Paul McCartney in the back of the head. Not sure what they meant? But went and had a word with him and told him to leave the ex-Beatle alone. Wayne told me that he’d deliberately got in the way, so he gave him what he deserved. I had to agree, but gave Wigan the free-kick just to keep the peace.

Guess what diary? Now everyone’s telling me I got it wrong! Well, I couldn’t do that to Wayne! I didn’t really see what happened, and it would be unfair on me to send him off. If McCartney wanted him to be sent off he should have done what everyone else does and got Steven Gerrard to ask me nicely. That or rolled around on the floor. And that nasty man Alan Hansen said I was making funny hand signals. I’ll make a funny hand signal at him next time I see him!

Anyway, managed to hide from Dave Whelan long enough to get away from the ground. Got home nice and early and got to watch Ant and Dec’s Push The Button. I like them two! Was going to push the red button but Steven Gerrard told me to push the yellow one instead.

Oh, diary. Sometimes I think that I’m an unappreciated genius. Smoked half a cigarette today. Damn, there goes my New Year’s resolution!!’

For more celeb gossip, follow Peter Turner on Twitter @petermagpie

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Article title: Secret Diary of Mark Clusterberk, Aged 35 & A Bit

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