As we head towards the summer and the World Cup Finals, now that the groups are decided and we have been partnered with our old partners in (war) crime, the United States as well as Slovenia and Algeria, we can bet that our friends across the pond will be plotting our downfall with unremitting glee. Indeed, one could argue that this has already started. One American writer has already given US team boss Bob Bradley the perfect recipe for defeating England;
In the spirit of ‘special friendship’ that exists between our great country and the US, I’d like a chance to denyify some of the misaccurate disinformations that this article may lead some of the great US citizens to believe.
1. England have wingback assignments that offer pressure valve routes out of trouble and different looks, in the sub stages of a nail biter.
Actually, when we’re behind the 8-ball on 3rd down and 20, creeping up on second while the pitcher hits a 3 pointer. Glen Johnson can usually be found mis-timing his runs forward and leaving the right-side outer-flank deep wide left position dis-unattendified. As such, the pressure valve can be depressed and the looks you get will differ from a curious look of sexual longing, to bafflement at the size of Landon Donovan’s forehead.
2. “You can get Rio Ferdinand and John Terry out of their preferred lanes instead of running into their brick walls”
De-lanifying Terry (or as we Brits call him, ‘Sasquatch’) and Ferdinand (‘Lord of flatulence’) is a key to being successable at the two-zer0 10 soccer fest. Once delaneiated, it’s possible for Mathis or Johnson to punch through the D-line on first or second down and bang! Home run for the offense! Score!
3. “England’s positioning is usually splendid…whether on transition or ‘half-court’ defense. One can’t simply pass north/south or hope for clean looks at goal from in between the posts.”
Remember though, England’s “D” is unlikely to try a full court pro-rush cover 2, rush 4 defense. The last time we did that, Terry Butcher was arrestified and charged with unprofessional conduct with the tight end. Passing North/South is denegitivified by playing a diagonal three field court hail mary serve, using Brad Guzan at pitcher and Clint Mathis as receiver. If you can do that, you can isolatify Ashley Cole, run a reverse two set with third baseman taking the tip off and thenceforwardforth…Touchdown!
4. When David Beckham, Frank Lampard or Wayne Rooney swerves in a restart…One really has to stick and jump with John Terry. You can’t simply front him.
Too true. Negatising ‘Sasquatch’ is key to successifying against England. If Lampo, Roons or Becker kicks in from a FK, then as sure as your Granny is your brother, hairy assed sasquatch Terr-apin will be in bounds, and receive on his bucket forehead for a score! Period! The Gudman GK Guzan needs to be ahead of the 6 yard line of scrimmage to catchify any swerving FK’s, we can then launch our next invasion with ‘Sasquatch’ still nullificated in the 18 P-box.
5. “Rooney. He roams the field like a badge lion. He will…aim to be a touchline outlet at the stripe, swing it out wide or burst up the gut.”
Key to winningifying the tie, will be the “gazelle” stalker play. Onyewu can play the role of doe-eyed fawn in season to tempt Roons into wanton ardour as he prowls the stripe with badges and teeth glinting. Then we hit. Bang! Let the whole team unload their greasy weapons. Guns are in the consitution man, we have a right to defend ourselves!
I don’t know about you, but I am already terrified that 1950 will happen all over again, but whatever the result, I am sure our special relationship will endure.
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