With £25m in his back pocket from the sale of Birmingham, David Sullivan could have paid Manchester City star Gareth Barry’s weekly wages, or bought a tenth of Liverpool from George Gillett. He may have been able to buy Emmanuel Eboue from Arsenal 25 million times over, or pay Man Utd’s boss Sir Alex Ferguson’s fines for the season for insulting officials. But no, the king of wholesome family entertainment is hoping he can lodge a cheeky bid to snap up the financially brittle West Ham United, if their impoverished Icelandic owners will accept his money.
As Birmingham City fans know, Sullivan will bring his own version of sexy football to the capital and first up will be a change of the boring old Claret and Blue kits that Hammers teams have bored their fans with through the years. Sullivan’s radical new overhaul at Upton Park will see a new kit design (shown above) as well as several new faces to be brought into the club.
An imagined spokesperson who formerly worked in a shop where Mr Sullivan once bought some shoes stated;
“We’ve heard he is in the market for a top quality Ukranian star to bring to Upton Park. She’s called Willetya Getyerlegova (pictured below) or summat and she’s probably going to be in the new James Bond film too. Probably. Just don’t quote me on that.”
The news of a potential takeover doesn’t bode well for manager Gianfranco Zola who many feel will look out of place in a claret and blue basque with a crotchless thong. The news that all football boots are now to be thigh high hasn’t gone down well in the dressing room, with Kieran Dyer complaining that he could do himself an injury just getting them on. So, what’s new Kieran?
Fortunately, Hammers fans will be delighted to hear that Sullivan has no plans to change the fans historic club song “I’m forever blowing bubbles”, though there are reports that Sullivan wants to bring Little Britain star Matt Lucas in full costume and Michael Jackson’s orphaned chimp along to certain home games.
So do you have any possible transfer targets in mind for Sullivan’s sexy Hammers? Any tantalising Bulgarian babes? Hungarian Hotties? Scottish Saucebottles? If so let us know on info@footballtransfertavern.com otherwise we’ll just have to get the pics of Danielle Lloyd showing her norks in a Liverpool shirt…again…
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What is this, some awful Onion knocoff? Bleh.
Knockoff? Knockoff.
WHAT A LOAD OF OLD TOSH.