Another year in the rear view mirror and what have we learned? Not much. Football’s is brimming with deeply strange folk is about as enlightening as I can get. Here are the Tavern’s New Year’s Honours for hopefully your amusement.
As ever – do let us know if we missed anyone.
The Drowning Not Waving Award
Nominees: Paul The Octopus, Roy Hodgson, Paul Gascoigne & Raul Moat
Winner: Roy Hodgson. The Peter Principle can be a cruel mistress. Liverpool fans now look back at Rafa Benitez’s infuriating squad rotation as a golden age. Roy looked like a friendly extra from a Werther’s Original adwhen he took the job. Now he looks like an undertaker with special needs.
In a recent poll asking Liverpool fans who they wanted as manager he gained fewer votes than The Chuckle Brothers.
Flopstar Of 2010
Nominees: Nick Clegg, Fernando Torres, Wayne Rooney
Winner: Wazza. Anus Horribilus. At least that was Jennifer Thompson’s nickname for him. Rooney had it all. A doting wife, a doting public. And like a man spending £200 on a packet of fags he p*ssed it all up the wall. He held MUFC hostage for a wage rise whilst boozing and eating fast food next to a swimming pool like some pasty lottery winner. Sorry, did I say ‘like’?
A rare beast In Premiership football, he has yet score in open play this season.
Best Premiership Newcomer
Nominees: Venky Chicken Organization, Ian Holloway, Balotelli
Winner: Ian Holloway. Looking at the nominees Ian Holloway could only been better value if he had blacked up and worn a chicken suit.
Village idiot or Messiah? Who knows or cares. What is certain is that Blackpool have (weather permitting) delivered some very memorable football this so far this season. Here is a team with no money, no facilities and on paper, no hope. But Holloway’s management has been inspirational.
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Player Of The Year Nominees: Gareth Bale, two other people who aren’t as good as him. The cries of ‘Taxi For Maicon’ said it all. Single handed he reminded his Tottenham team mates what resolve was all about, scoring a hat trick in a massive Champions League game. His season has been more than one game of course and his blistering pace and overall class have made him very quickly one of the most sought after players in the world. 
Beyond Excellence In Public Relations Award Nominees: Dr Gillian McKeith, Mike Ashley, Fabio Capello Winner: Mike Ashley There can be few people on the planet as disinterested in public opinion as Mike Ashley. Chris Hughton was the original boy who stood upon the burning deck whence all but he had fled. After he assembled a team that could play good football, after he secured promotion, after he guided Newcastle United into a mid table position Mike sacked him and replaced him with a casino buddy. Mike better pray running his football club like a 70% off shoe shop doesn’t come back to bite him in his considerable arse. 
Lifetime Of Hate Achievement Award Nominees: Robbie Savage, The Entire Terry Family, Sepp Blatter Winner: The Terry’s are the run away winners. Son of a convicted drug dealer, who’s wife is a convicted shoplifter and brother to a ‘man’ who knobbed his team mate’swife and left his team mate so inconsolable he killed himself. Nice work everyone, that ticks just about every box on the ‘really despicable’ list. The Terry’s make FIFA look like rank amateurs and Robbie Savage look like Nelson Mandela. 
Funny Old Game Award Nominees: Arsene Wenger, West Ham United, Gerard Houllier Winners: Arsene Wenger, West Ham United, Gerard Houllier. You couldn’t put a cigarette paper between them. Aresene Wenger was quick to jump on the ‘ugly play’ band wagon when Danny Murphy launched an attack on the Premier League’s more physical sides. Here’s a tip, Arsene. Try checking how close to the bottom of the Fair Play League your own side is before you start bleating about others. Gerard Houllier was appointed as Aston Villa’s manager earlier this season.His impact was that of the Invisible man running into an empty field. It was only when he held a Liverpool love in after losing 3-0 to the Reds did Villa fans finally realize what they were stuck with. West Ham United, super glued to the foot of the table, not a penny to their name, up to their crotchless knickers in debt are not only linked with in excess of a dozen transfer targets this winter, but they have put in a bid to takeover the Olympic Stadium. No really, they have.
